Acai Side Effects Presents: WordPress Poetry Slam

The triumphant return of the Acai Berry Poetry Troupe!

The following was sent in by Ulysses of Hidden Leaves whose remarkable prose and keen insight has occasionally moved even the steeliest of spammers to wax poetically (and incomprehensibly):

side effects acai writes:

Currently Thing,in path terms weather comparison emphasis break purpose observation activity season vital reader problem studio explore mind obvious error west derive responsibility gentleman circle recently leaf ask most pound bus reaction next green presence really channel telephone engineering exchange current on life campaign impose ear escape woman currently after another long previous assembly patient handle hair member play truth instruction parliament client order wide direct form crisis capacity wing picture once former towards show background admit window expert might damage expenditure meaning one ship hotel vote

Excellent. That’ll show the soulless bourgeoisie that the real “crisis capacity” belongs to the “hair members” and not the “window experts.” In particular, “impose ear escape woman” recalls the finest moments of Terrence Trent Darby and some of the more “bohemian” essays of Edie Brickell (without her New Bohemians).

Thanks for the submission, Ulysses.



May 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm 2 comments

May God Bless You Impatiently

From: Miss Tessy


I am very happy to meet you, compliments of the day!

My name is Miss Tessy, I’m looking for a person of trust and confidence, and I know this email will find you in good health and also surprise but God has his own way of bringing people together.I was moved to write to you and also seek his advice that I know it helps me overcome my present situation, I’m currently single and looking for a reliable and God fearing person. My dear, In your free time, which can please write me back so I can explain more about me, my data, my photos and my purpose of writing to you. Please do not overlook a humble heart and solitary quest for love. A good friendship is the foundation to build on other things in the future. May God bless you impatiently waiting for me to read you.


From: CLT

Miss Tessy!

I’m so glad this email came my way! Its rays of somewhat incoherent sunshine were just what I needed on a day like today! Did you ever notice how slow time goes when you’ve run out of Internet to read and there’s still 4 hours left on your shift? Ghastly!

Thank you for inquiring about my health. It is in good shape and I still have the “Polyp Free Since ’73” sticker from my proctologist’s office to prove it. Hallelujah!

You and I are of a kind, Miss Tessy. I too am looking for a woman with the “fear of God” in her, preferably one that is also “clean,” “reliable” and “low-milage.” And I’m sure you will be thrilled to know that I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of marriage, as my current marriage of 7+ years will surely bear out. Marriage is a wonderful experience, and if my math is correct, beginning a second, concurrent marriage would make life easily twice as wonderful!

We could give both marriages a shot for a couple of years before deciding which betrothal seems more “sanctified” or “less litigious.” I’m sure with the proper outlook we could persuade even the stiffest of upper lips to concede that a slew of wonderful marriages is the only way to go!

Here’s a little info on me:

Medium Height
Medium Build
No distinguishing features or tattoos

I’m still in the same shape that I was in high school, where my general nondescriptness contributed greatly to my being voted “Most Likely” for two years running!

But enough small talk. I can’t wait to set this in motion and get to know the real you! As the notorious poet “Biggie” (Hey, that’s MY high school nickname! LOL!) Smalls once opined: “Honeys want to chat/But all we want to know is where the party at.”

Asthmatically awaiting your response,

Well. I’ll just grab my inhaler and sit a spell.


May 22, 2010 at 11:26 pm Leave a comment

He Likes Me…He Really Likes Me!


From: Jack

hey there. got your comments over at trs. do keep up! i have to say i laugh out loud reading your blog and love it. “i put the ‘man’ in manic”…. celebrity relapse…. you’d be surprised at how much time i have spent over the years making up funny stuff like but i never did much with it but email it to my friends…. now you have given me an idea. so what else do we have in common, apart from my being in peru and bolivia in 2000 and your going there later this year to celebrate the 9th anniversary of my trip +1?  


Hey Jack! 

Thanks for the gratuitous compliments. I’m really glad you liked those non-existent posts on my blog, I was starting to wonder if anyone would not notice they weren’t there.

I can’t wait to hear the idea I gave you!  I’m guessing it has nothing to do with anything I’ve ever written?

Oh, and as for your question re: what else we have in common…well, besides the fact that I’m not going to Peru and Bolivia, I can only imagine! 

Thanks again, Jack. Knowing there are people out there who don’t actually read my blog yet still let me know how much they enjoy it, well, let’s just say it makes everything worthwhile.  


May 20, 2010 at 11:03 am Leave a comment

That’s a Hell of a Lot of Windmills…


$2,000,000.00 has been award to you in the 2010 Royal Dutch Grant Award, File your claim by sending your:

Occupation……. &
Sex………….. to:

Mrs. Monica D.

Enticing. And obviously harmless. Let’s contact Mrs. Monica D. Shellonline 2010, shall we?

Mrs. Monica D.,

This is great news! Some of my favorite people have been Dutch! Rembrandt… the little painter kid… um… so many others…

Well, I can’t wait to get my dike-plugging fingers on that award money!

Here’s my info:
Name: Capitalist Lion Tamer
Tel….: KL5-0080-0011-1-4 (wait 4 seconds, then) 222-3131 (when timed right, it plays a bit from “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees)
Country: Patagonia
Occupation: Malingerer First Class, Royal Submariners Union
Sex: Never on a first email!

Thanks in advance for all the kroners or whatever the hell it is you Dutch use for money! Here’s hoping for a favorable exchange rate!


No response yet but I have most of my limbs crossed!

Here’s the irritating part: I didn’t ask to talk to them, but they made themselves omnipresent. And now that they have my interest, they just wander off, never to be heard from again. I don’t mind being scammed. I just hate being ignored.


May 16, 2010 at 9:38 pm Leave a comment

Because Every Time I Buy You a “Large,” You Just End Up Throwing Half of It Away…

From: tonocis2000 <bwogg@eunet.yu>
Date: Tue, May 11, 2010 at 2:06 PM
Subject: New formula, better results, test drive it

One day l sat and wondered what the heck l was glven thls llttle one for. l truly wlshed lt was larger and then l trled out these and all l can say ls go for lt man. lts compllmentary whlch ls wlcked.
Claim Yours

I don’t know, tonocis. Maybe God just hates you.


May 13, 2010 at 8:43 pm Leave a comment

Hmm. I Must Have Clicked “Forward All.” Anyway… Happy Mother’s Day!

Via bschooled. (Which probably explains these…)


2010/05/03 at 5:58 pm

now i`ll read your rss – in japan model

lesben sex videos: lesben sex videos

[From Lesben, UAE. You won’t see more than a bit of ankle…]

college drunk sluts sex – drunk sluts big tits
toddler upskirt – Toddler Upskirt
free sex pictures amatuers: amatuer cuckold movies
caught peeing in public – caught peeing movie
star wars amatuer videos: the amateur star survey
Fucked Neighbor Drunk – fucked neighbor drunk
girl forced stripped – girl forced stripped
force ebony girl – Force Ebony Girl

[Just another Star Wars amatuer video…]

free chicas calientes – video gratis de chicas calientes
naughty dog paintball jersey – naughty dog dubuque ia

[If you’re only going to buy one paintball jersey for your dog this year…]

licking dog screensavers – licking dogs

[Sorry, buddy. I already got you the jersey.]

Gorillaz Noodle Hentai: gorillaz noodle hentai
big brother voyeurism: Big Brother Voyeur
Horny Shemale Hermaphrodite: looking for hot horny shemales
adult annabelles store: adult annabelles store
voyeur drunken teens: drunken teens wearing nothing
nude virgin girls – virgin girls cought naked
virginity cry – i will take her virginity
free horse sex video: free horse sex video
g sexe grosses chates: record sexe taille
shaved crotches: male shaved crotch
hentai inzest: Inzest Index

[Like lemonzest, only arrestable…]

orgasm toying monster dildo video trailers: monster dildo videos
japan schoolgirl wear uniforms – Japan Schoolgirl Handjobs
free henti thumbnails: Free Henti Moves
Britneys Shaved Areas: Britneys Shaved Areas
naked amateur voyeur – young amateur voyeur thumbnails

[Voted Best New Fetish by “Handmodel Enthusiast”]

young virgin girl photos: sex tips for virgin girls
small tight virgins: very young virgins naked
fotos de chicas con consoladores – chicas veracruzanas pornos
shaved camel toe pussy – shaved camel toes

[Considered a delicacy in most camel-eating countries…]

3d young incest anime: young incest movies
hot virgin girl getting fucked – hot virgin girl getting fucked
sex titten sites: Kostenloser Sex
big dick and shaved balls: shaved balls
midnight lady japan bbs – japan bbs board loli
clean old shaved twat – paris hilton shaved twat

[The Internet Fringe Society officially declares that they are “so over” Paris Hilton.]

feminization forced perm: feminization forced hair perm

[Because you’ve been holding onto that feathered look since 1983.]

qkindex drunk mom: fuck drunk moms 9
free incest sex stories – incest sex forum
lesbian tranny masturbate: cute tranny masturbate
vintage farm photos – vintage farmhouse kitchen floor plan

[When not on “manual override,” I do a little amateur remodeling…]

Schoolgirls Catholic Upskirts: Schoolgirls Catholic Upskirts
dorm voyeur: amature voyeur pics free
mika escort japanise: japanise panty
muscular shaved heads – shaved heads in boot camp
peeps bunnies – adult peeps atlanta ga

[I thought those holes were just a manufacturing defect…]

hentai worm magna – hentai worm magna
girl with vibrator mpeg: asian girl with vibrator
Amateur British Housewife: amateur british wives

[Making sandwiches is not a paying job. Not now. Not ever. Now, back to the kitchen.]

real hidden peeing freehiddensex: hidden pee

[Fucking cat!]

forced fucking wives: mature mom forced fucking
hard sexe videos – hard sexe adlescent
Bilder Nackte Private: bilder nackte private

[Translates roughly to “Privacy Fence Construction.”]

voyeur nudism movies – voyeur nudism movies
young tight shaved pussy xxx: rase shaved
drunken mom 5: drunken moms pic

All in all, extremely disturbing. Kind of makes you want to slap a condom on your ethernet cable. Thanks for the submission, bschooled.


May 8, 2010 at 11:45 am Leave a comment

What I Wouldn’t Give for an Enthusiastic Bongo Player…

 Acai Berry Diet Pill in Stores on the subject of popular music, especially dance mixes thereof:

Powerful Break,when worry shape final eat account least also speed possible state simple cause especially corner evening animal program difficult death day organisation aye accident love offer aim choice existence link sometimes from basic public arrive step central winner because by pocket very bloody straight membership try chain currently fall movement small present still colleague per meanwhile welfare negotiation married circumstance introduction remove male need influence jump eye roof desire search primary die teach inside total statement thank again package key welfare collect deputy sea even deputy essential opinion

Wow bob wow. Not a single article in sight but the word “deputy” makes multiple appearances. And what to make of “very bloody”? Nothing says “Buy more acai berry products” like the unexpected appearance of the word “bloody.”

Even if this Acai Berry isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least it will “remove male need.”


May 8, 2010 at 5:17 am Leave a comment

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